I don’t want to do this.

Sometimes I think I don’t want to do this.

Someone brought up to me that I may have Borderline personality disorder.. This was such an accurate description for how I felt, it’s scary to me. The truth is that about 2 months ago I asked my husband for help, I said that I was scared of my emotions and needed to see someone… but he said that we didn’t have the money. At the time I thought I was just depressed, But almost all of the symptoms of BPD are ones I have…

I know that I’ve done wrong, but I never did it to hurt anyone, and I seriously need help. I know this, and I want it…What if we throw away our marriage over something that’s fixable? It would take therapy for me, as well as probably couples therapy, to work through the damage that’s been done. Is it not worth it? they state that there’s an 86% remission rate ten years after treatment. that means that after getting help damned near everyone is okay. This is something that’s fixable.

Remember when you used to get anxious places and you needed me? and I would always hold you. even when sometimes I didn’t want to? I was always there for you when you needed it.  Are you really going to give up on me when I need you?

We looked into each others eyes and promised that we would be together,until death did us part. are we going to throw that away at the first sign of trouble? I am scared. I wanted your help, I needed you, and you let me down and now I am really scared. I want to be happy… but more than that, I want to be happy with my husband.

I’m not blaming you for walking away, and if we weren’t married, I would probably let you, but you promised me in sickness and in health. I am sick. maybe it’s just emotionally, but it is still a sickness. I asked for your help. so no, I am not blaming you for giving up. I am blaming you for not helping me when I needed it and not sticking by me when I needed you. I am disappointed in you.

you failed me.


I’m scared.

That’s right, I am fucking scared. Terrified. I am moving to a city where I don’t speak the language, I have next to no money, little to no family support.

I don’t have my high school education so finding a job is going to be hard as shit, finding a place is going to be hard as shit, I’m scared as fuck and I have nobody to talk to about it. My family doesn’t understand at all, My husband while he was here said to me “don’t stress” How do you propose I do that? honestly.  come the fuck on.

 

That’s such a ridiculous thing to say under the circumstances. I’m getting separated/probably eventually a divorce, I have to move to another country, I have to move to a city where I don’t speak the language well, with no set place to stay other than my cousins couch, no job. Basically I’m fucking fucked, I have no clue how I’m going to survive, and my husband is looking me in the eye and saying “don’t stress” Thanks, I’ll try that.

 

 

I’m completely freaking out, but I’ll just get right on that.


Special post!

I just needed somewhere to put a bunch of images with one link.

 

I like how in this last picture he’s all “why you doin this to me.” I hope this gives a good representation of sizing and colour of everything. The collar with the tennis ball in it is the smallest size it goes, but it looks quite a bit smaller than the 15″ the site says. I think he measured with the collar flat, not accounting that the like .25″ thickness of the thing would take up some space. Especially at the front where sides overlap.


Oh hi bloggy blog!

So I just checked my site stats and realized people are still reading this. That  means that every time I don’t post, like 7 people are just a little bit disappointed in me. In other news I ALWAYS spell disappointed wrong the first time I try it. For some reason I think there’s two ss’ in the beginning. Then I usually  sit there for like 3 minutes trying to figure out why there’s a squiggly red line of doom underneath it.

Every.single.time.

So things that are going on in my life. The situation with my husband has dissolved to the point where we haven’t spoken in 4 days, and I’m making arrangements to go home. So there’s that. I thought I would be a lot sadder, but I think it’s been time to throw in the towel a long time ago, and I just refused to accept it because well….we ARE married, and I vowed to spend the rest of my life with this man, till death do us part. I accept now that separation is not a bad thing. Divorce is still something I don’t want to accept,but this.. this I can do for now.

I also have no clue if he knows I’m going home, as he’s made no attempt to contact me, nor I him. I assume he has some kind of idea though.

I took off my ring today.  This is scary to me. Honestly I wish we could have gone to counseling. I don’t know if that would have saved us, or just cost us a lot of money to get to the exact same conclusion, but I wish we had tried.  My husband didn’t want to pay for it. My husband didn’t want to try to save our marriage because it might cost us money. At the end of the day, I guess money is more important than love.

Its frustrating because So many times I wanted to give up. I wanted to leave so badly that I would cry and cry until I felt empty and miserable. I hated that I was away from my family, and everything I’ve ever known. I hated that I had nobody here. I hated that I had reason to distrust my husband, and I hated that I resented him. And yes there were more than a few days where I just flat out hated my husband. I wanted to give up more than anything some days, but I didn’t.  I probably should have a long long time ago, but I didn’t.

I never stopped thinking that one day it would be better. One day we would be able to afford to talk to someone and work out our issues.

On the whole though, I’m not sad, or mad or anything… I’m just disappointed that we couldn’t figure it out, and that we stopped trying. I hope that feeling of disappointment goes away one day.


The history of my marriage.

I am going to tell you all about the history of my marriage, as I know it.

We met in 2008, In a game of grand theft auto IV… We had originally both posted on the same forum, but we had never spoken before. When said forum organised a game of GTA IV we started talking, and haven’t stopped since. We talked everyday for about 7 months before he came here… On Halloween 2008, I told him I loved him, and the next month he was there. We spent the next 8 months together extremely happily, but in early july 2009 he had to go home… It was only going to be for a few weeks, he had to change his drivers license over as he had turned 21. It didn’t end up being only a few weeks.

On his 21st birthday, He went out with his family. I told him specifically “This is the first time you’ve gone out without me, and I’m a little nervous about your interactions with women. could you do me a favour and not do ANYTHING that might make me need to worry tonight.”  He agreed to this, and away he went.

A few hours later he texted me saying he was going to a strip club. I woke up to see pictures of the man I intended to marry with two strippers on his lap, with the comment “And this is all they allowed us to photograph”  As I had clearly  said before he left, “hey, try to keep your cock in your pants” I flipped. completely. He said (and I quote) “I don’t consider strippers to be women” Yeah, didn’t apologise, didn’t give a shit that he hurt my feelings. He still to this day thinks that it was okay.

So anyway I was working on getting past that, and he was working on coming home…except when he got to the border they denied his entry. We had no clue how visitation worked at the time, but it’s quite clear you can’t just live in Canada for 8 months, leave for 2 weeks and then hop back over like it’s nothing.

So he was sent scurrying back home, and I saved up the funds to go and see him… Late august 2009, I was In Ohio. Everything was relatively fine, we were on a little tense ground, but we would have been just fine… Until my computer broke, and I asked to use his.

I tend to like to check craigslist everywhere I visit. Its a habit, I tend to check it every day. This time When I did, I was greeted with an unpleasant surprise. The only sections that were clicked were “casual encounters”  “Misc romance” and “men seeking women”.

I flipped my fucking shit. While I was at home selling my ps3 and anything of value, to go see this man, he was looking for pussy on craigslist? what the fucking fuck!?! He said that he thought we were going to break up after the strip club thing, and he was “just looking” Who the fuck “just looks” on craigslist!? Thats the equivalent of driving by  a neighbourhood with “streetwalkers” slowing down checking them out and then being like “nah, I’m just going to go back home to my wife after all” even IF you didn’t do anything (WHICH I HIGHLY DOUBT) that’s seriously fucking suspicious behaviour.

So anyway by that point we were SERIOUSLY on the rocks. I were scraping by on the hope that we would be able to get married soon, and thus be together and hopefully not have any more of these “mishaps” He had asked me to marry him while I was there, and while I was still insanely pissed off, I agreed because well. I loved him.

I couldn’t stay there long though and soon I had to go home for the long stretch. October 1st 2009 I was on my way home. The next few months were… tense… and that’s being nice about it. we were at each others throats pretty much entirely… Being apart had never been our strong suit, and being apart with all our newfound trust issues was way worse.

While I was home, I worked out. pretty much all the time. I became obsessed with my looks and my figure, and pretty much anything I could change. I Honestly thought If I was more attractive, my husband would only want me, and not all the other women he clearly lusted after. So I worked had as shit, and lost almost 80 lbs in the months we were apart. surprisingly enough, this made it harder on us. I was constantly complaining that I was fat and disgusting and gross, and he was constantly getting mad at me because he said he didn’t feel the same. (but why cheat then?)

We were supposed to get married in june of 2010. We Didn’t. In may, I confronted him about some girls that he was being a little flirty with on facebook, (one in particular though) and he said ” I am not going to upset my friends just because YOU have a problem with them” And to be honest I understand his point, but when it’s to the point where him and them are flirting on EVERY SINGLE UPDATE he makes, while his FIANCE is 650 miles away, it’s a LITTLE inappropriate. I asked him to tell them to tone it down, and  he acted like I asked him to delete his whole life forever and ever amen. He swore up and down not to have feelings for her. (he later went on to ask her out.)

For me, that was the last straw. I was done being second rate to some other women. frustrated and sad, I broke up with him. I worked on getting my life together, I looked for a job, and started working  in Landscaping. I got a roommate, I got closer to my family.

In july he came to see me.. we had been speaking, but we weren’t really on good terms. He wanted to start over, and  I liked the way things were. I had a job, I was living pretty comfortably, and I was beginning to be a little happier. I stopped going online as much and was getting out more. He was depressed, clearly falling apart, and maybe a little crazy.

I think he was fully expecting me to go back home with him, and when I didn’t he fell apart. He only spent a little while in Canada, but The next few months he insulted me almost daily. It was awful. He called me flabby, Disgusting,ugly, flat chested, he said I looked like a little boy with saggy tits, that I was a slut a whore a cunt, a bitch, that I lied to him etc etc. This continued for months. Meanwhile, one of the guys at work developed a little crush on me. He was nice (If not way too young) and he WASN’T hurling insults my way daily, so it was a no brainer, when he asked me out, I said yes.

We dated for a few months, but at the end of the day, I couldn’t continue it. I was WAY too involved in the drama with my then ex, and I had to break it off. (Some days he would send me upwards of 50 messages ranging from “I hope you get raped, so you can never feel intimate with somebody again” (the worst) to “I love you, please take me back”. It was awful.

after I broke up with the dude at work (Although we only “dated” for a month, and I didn’t see it as anywhere near as serious as he did) I started hanging out more with my sister and her friends. it’s hard to take to heart the 50-leven texts a day telling you  you are disgusting, and that you should go die somewhere when you’re out having…about as close as you’re going to come to fun, given the circumstances. (not that I didn’t still take them to heart. I did.)

I even started hanging out with her friends. They were nice, although drunkards. I went out a few times with her boyfriends best friend, but he was too much of an alcoholic, and it fizzled out soon after.

In october, My mother passed away. We weren’t close, but it still really affected me. Suddenly my sister and I were on our own. I mean I was living on my own, and stuff, but.. I mean we had no…mom anymore… She had her boyfriend (soon after, fiance) and I had… well.

So I started talking to my ex more. We still had bad days, but it was at least someone who was there for me. I quit my job, as I had a few months rent saved up, because I couldn’t bare to go back, and I just drifted.

A month later, my ex came to visit me,  for a long weekend, and begged me to go back with him, if only just for a month to get my mind off of things. I felt like I had nobody in the world at that point, and I was just drifting aimlessly, so why the fuck not. I packed up some of my shit, left a months rent for my roomate, and fucked off, without telling anyone.

for awhile it was pretty good… Two weeks into my visit, We got married. Obviously starting a marriage on such a rocky background was NOT a good idea, but at the time I had nothing going for me, and was acting reckless, and maybe even subconsciously wanted to make a few bad decisions and live a little.

I found out I’m a pretty violent drunk. a few times, I was drunk and I flipped out over everything that my husband had done that I had just let stew, and I punched him. a lot. way more than once. It was fucked up and completely wrong and I’m not proud of it, but at the time I was SO mad, and I felt like he deserved it for breaking my heart and leaving me broken and twisty and mad inside.

One such time was last weekend, when I tweeted that I thought I should leave. In this instance I was tired and had done stuff all day, I just got home, and Checked my E-mail to see a message  from my daughter telling me she missed me, and loved me. I was sad, and also a little mad, and then my husband told our friends we were coming over. I didn’t WANT to go over, but he had already told them yes, so I just sighed and got into the car. I was pretty bitchy and the alcohol didn’t help anything.

On the way home I snapped. For some reason while we were going 65 on the freeway I decided I wanted the FUCK out of the car. I tried to lunge for the door, and My husband grabbed me by the throat. I lost my shit. All I knew is that suddenly he was choking me, and no matter what the fuck happened I needed to get free asap. I started flailing and punching and kicking and screaming, and biting… basically anything that would make him let the fuck go of me as soon as possible, because I couldn’t breath. Of course all my flailing made him squeeze me harder which only made me freak out the more. It was at the point were I just opened the door to the car and screamed with all my might, Just hoping we would get pulled over before I passed out or died.

He eventually dropped me off at his mothers house, where sobbing uncontrollably I eventually fell asleep. I want to make it clear that While I was entirely drunk, and he says otherwise, I’m almost 100% certain I didn’t hit him until he grabbed me by the throat. Even he said he held me longer and harder than he needed to.

We spent three days apart. I don’t know honestly whether we can be together, although as of writing this we’re trying. We need counselling, at the very least, and neither of us should drink anymore.

I don’t really know why  wrote all that out…Mostly just to get it out I think, but also because It all has a lot to do with how I react now, and it’s probably not a good thing.

 


an excercised dog is..

A happy dog! Jack is currently passed out… He is currently way beyond the realm or normal sleepyness for him at this time. Why is that you ask?

Well yesterday we went to the dog park. It was such a beautiful day, and I thought It would be good for jack to be around other doggies. I was wrong. Jack is the type of dog that is just a little bit….rude. He’s..7/8 months old and frankly he is a little pain in the ass. He jumps on other doggies, before even saying hi. Other doggies oftentimes don’t like 40 lbs of  hyper hitting them like a cannonball. Sometimes dogs get snarly, as was the case yesterday. Everyone knows that there are altercations when you decide to let random dogs run together. It’s just what happens. some doggies are just not as tolerant as others. Jack always seems to find the LEAST tolerant doggie, and affix himself to it. If anything were to ever happen in terms of a full blown fight, Jack would undoubtedly be blamed, regardless of who bit first, and I highly doubt he would back down if another dog attacked him, so I have decided that we will not ever be going back to a dog park. That is just a risk I am not willing to take with my babycakes.

So I have had to improvise. I set out to find long leashes that could allow him to run as if he was free, but still be a safe leashed setting where I could get him back quickly should he chose to not listen to me. I found that the longest leash I could find in stores was about 30 feet. Long, but not long enough for free running/catch/etc etc. So I decided I was going to make my own. A trip to the hardware store, and about 25$ later ( and this was after I begged my husband to buy me a 5 dollar water bottle with a clip, for walks even though I have 50-leven water bottles, and could have gotten a 1.00$ carabiner instead. sorry hun!)  and I have found myself a very happy doggie.

I got 2 carabiners, 2 welded shut O rings, and a 75 foot rope. I made it all into a makeshift leash, and away we went.

He wore his harness with it so he wouldn’t kill himself if he hit the end of his boundries while running full tilt.

The upside is that the way it’s fashioned, I can wear it attached to me, (either around my waist, or across my chest) or I can attach it to something else (a fence/pole/etc) and play with him… The downside is that a 40 lb dog, running at full tilt for 75 feet can pick up some speed. Enough to give the 100 lb girl on the other end of that 75 feet some serious whiplash.  I probably have a slight concussion from when my husband underestimated how long 75 feet was, and threw the ball about a million miles away. It was almost like a cartoon where the dog is running and the human is flopping along behind it in the air.

 

That being said, we played fetch for a bit, and he absolutely LOVED it. I have never ever seen him so happy. He would run back to me, drop to the ground and roll around in happy dog circles until he was all tangled, and then he would run full speed for it (after being untangled obviously.) and do it all over again. Just a silly happy puppy, and with no worries that another dog will run up and attack him, and blame me.

 

So really we both win!

I’m attaching a picture so you can see what in the sam hell I am going on about.  It’s basically a really long rope, with a clip on one end, and a loop/clip on the other end.

It’s not the most glamorous, but it gets the job done so far. I’d eventually like to buy a stronger/higher quality rope, but for like 15$ before taxes and stuff, this is deal-withable for now.

 

yay!


busy day

Today was a busy busy day. Okay, that’s not entirely true, I spent the day lounging about. I can really get used to only volunteering three times a week.

Today, me and jack went for a walk, and I put a huge dent on the mountainous pile of magazines my mother in law gave me. Speaking of things she game me, my mother in law remembered that I was going to try and start a small herb garden, so she bought me these:

It’s nice when somebody thinks of you, even if it’s for something small like that. So anyway, I have filled them with potting soil, and some herbs and I really hope they grow me some pretty yummy stuff. If not, I give up and am going to buy some damned herb plants from a nursery or garden store or something. I am a plant killer.

I also did THIS today:

That my friends is my very first American library card! (AND my loaned books thanks to said library card!) I’m super excited, I love reading, Which you would never be able to tell taking into account my horrible spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

We also did this today!

das right, Our doggy FINALLY has tags of his own! I don’t anticipate him ever getting out or away, but now if he does, people will know where to find us to bring him back! also the font is super cute!

He looks less than impressed by his new blang blang.

Oh god did I…did I just say blang blang? moving on!

We brought him with us to the store, because we want to socialise him in as many situations as possible. He acted very much like a 6-7 month old, very excitable puppy. I can’t wait to take some obedience training with him, he can be very hyper sometimes.

The floor of the store was super slippery, so basically all he did was run in place and got super tired, so we ended up going him with a pant-ey red eyed super tired doggy. something like this.

Mostly I just thought this picture was cute. He looks so happy when he’s panting!

Last but not least to end off the day we went and stuffed our innards with donuts to celebrate jackelope being awesome.

He’s like “gimme my noms lady!” I hardly ever give jack hooman food, but today was a treat! He is now Neutered, utd on shots, and has tags with his name/address and phone number. He is ours. The next step is registering him, and getting pitty insurance, but that will come probably in a few months, when I can get a job.

One last picture to end off the post… If this is not the face of doggie bliss, I don’t know what is.

To top ALL of that off, me and jack went for a 2 mile walk since I was home today. So I guess I really did get a lot done today.


gah!

Maybe I should change my One a day, to a one a week. It really seems as if I am unable to blog once a day.

It’s probably because my life is the epitome of boring nowadays…I’ve decided that volunteering every single day was getting to be a little too much for me… essentially, working a full time job without the merits of a pay cheque was getting to me a little bit.  basically, The field/main librarian lady asked me to do inventory. I am all for helping my mother-in-law, but now you’re just asking me to do payroll type work for free. das no bueno ladycakes! SO I talked to my mother in law, and we agreed that I would come in three times a week to help out. I hope that I won’t get too stressed with that, and hopefully that will provide her with extra help that she needs. Honestly I love being there, and I would have done the inventory anyway, but I’m really glad I don’t have to.

In other news, I know a lot/all of my twitter followers know, Jackelope got de-balled! He is now neutered, and UTD on his shots! yay! We went to the M-I-L’s house today, and he got to meet my husbands/now his mothers doggie, Jamie. Jamie is an older chow/lab mix, and she very much did not like jack. She is good with people but iffy with doggies so I guess jack doesn’t have a new Girlfriend which is probably good because his current “girlfriend” is a 75 lb (olde english?) bulldog who would probably kick his ass. Please note, I obviously use the term  “girlfriend” loosely, as they’re all spayed/neutered. Spay and neuter your pets people! there are way too many animals out there that need homes for people to be recklessly breeding.

Actually speaking of doggies, there is a troubling story in the news about a doggy that has been through hell.  I know a lot of people can’t handle animal abuse stories, so I won’t post pictures or details or anything, but if you’re interested google patrick the miracle dog. This is seriously the most extreme case of animal abuse I personally have ever seen. It really makes you think of how we as humans affect everything around us. Honestly, there is no reason for this. This is the most disgusting displays of human filth I have seen in a long time.

I know there is a lot of people out there who just don’t “get” animal people…and for them I present this…Have you ever seen an animal do something like this to another animal on purpose? I mean yes, animals kill other animals, but Never like this. Humans honestly disgust me at times. There was nothing stopping this woman from finding this dog a home, when she realised she couldn’t care for him. Instead she chose to attempt to brutally destroy him. I am not the praying type, but I honestly am rooting for him with all my heart.

I want to urge you out there, whoever may be reading, to show love to your animal companions; if you are at all in a position which you can help out an animal (or person, if that’s what floats your fancy) in need please do so. You never know if one day you too will be in a position of need.


Having a pit is hard

We have run into problems with having jack… okay, that may be taking things a bit far. Jackelope is a wonderful dog. He is by far, the best dog I have ever had.. So I guess really, our problem isn’t with jack. our problem is with other peoples perceptions of jack. Because jack is a pit bull, I feel tremendous pressure…pressure for jack to be absolutely perfect, because well if he’s not, it just goes to show that pit bulls are horrible dogs. I’m talking about in other people’s perceptions, Obviously I love pitties, and think they’re great, but other people don’t.

I can’t count the amount of times people look at him tentatively and ask if he’s friendly, or they’ll specifically ask what kind of dog he is, knowing quite clearly he is a pit. I know that most people ask owners before they pet random dogs, but I still always feel like this is *JUST* because he’s a pit bull.

On more than one occasion, we have been out and about, and people have outright been bashing pit bulls directly to our faces, despite how good he is… like he isn’t our dog or something.

I cry, every single time I see a beat up or hurt pit bull. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. I’m tearing up right now. C’mon people, are you REALLY this cruel and ignorant? do you *REALLY* think a breed of dog, hardly any genetically different from your beloved lab or retriever or whatever generic dog you have is going to be a horrible monster? You really think these dogs just up and snap with no outside influence? honestly now. think with your damned brains.

ANY breed of dog can bite, either an animal or human. I once read that up to like 90% of reported pit bull bites weren’t actually pit bulls. How many times have you heard of a dog attacking, and somebody said “oh, I bet it was a pit bull!”

As they often say, “Blame the deed, not the breed.” Pit bulls are wonderful dogs. maybe through the help of good responsible owners, and re-educating the public on these loving wonderful dogs, they can become the perfect dogs that deep down inside, they want to be.

This post had no real point…I’m just upset because I love my doggy, and a lot of people don’t, for something that is of no fault to him, or any other doggy like him.


expectations.

A year ago, I decided that I was absolutely THROUGH with being overweight. I was done. I was 21, and had been overweight since the birth of my daughter, when I was 15, and I thought “this is the time. You will never be 21 again. you will never be younger! you have a chance to be beautiful for once in your life” so I worked hard as hell, every single day, and I lost a total of over 70LBS. I watched my calories, I biked or walked instead of taking the bus, I got a job working manual labour so that I wouldn’t have to worry about what I ate so much and would lose weight easily.  even working 10 hour days doing manual labour, I STILL came home and went for walks/bike rides.

 

For some reason I thought, If I could just lose the weight, I would be beautiful, and then the man I loved wouldn’t want or need anyone else. I constantly compared myself to other women. Every single girl I ever saw, I wondered if she was prettier than me? skinnier? It was like I was going through the high school mentality YEARS after I should have been, but I guess I never got the chance before… I was too busy trying to be a mother, that I didn’t give a shit what I looked like, and when I realised how bad I had gotten, it was too late.

 

I sometimes get criticised (both online/in real life) for how I feel about myself, because it’s something I’m really open about. I  really do find myself to be disgusting. not so long ago when I was working to lose the weight, I never really pictured what I would look like when I was skinny…. for some reason I had this notion that if i was just smaller I would become this beautiful blossoming flower or something, and suddenly i would be transformed  into this supermodel looking woman, and everyone would want me, and it would show my boyfriend that he missed out on perfection, if he only would have wanted ME more. like some ugly duckling turning into a swan ordeal. “haha you didn’t like me then but now I’m fucking gorgeous” I would think to myself, when I was drop dead gorgeous.. of course that never happened.

You know when you see pictures of people that had like gastric bypass surgery and they have loose skin and stretch marks and saggy bits, and they just look gross? I’ll bet you any money, they look GREAT with clothing on. You don’t really see the damage being overweight does to your body until you lose the weight… (probably because you can’t see your body. har har har)

So no I am probably not considered fat any more, but what does it matter if I’m not comfortable in my own skin. I’m still disgusting and saggy and gross, I’m just not fat too.

Honestly, If I could afford plastic surgery, I would have done it ages ago. There’s a 99.99 percent chance I will in the future, because what’s the point of living your life in a body you are disgusted by? To some I probably look normal, but I would rather die than see myself naked. I would rather die, than let my husband see me naked. Do you know how many times I have cried during intercourse because I couldn’t stand to be looked at? I couldn’t stand being judged at my most vulnerable? People tell you they don’t judge you, but if they ever get pissed off enough they will tell you how they really feel. They say things that you KNOW they think, but they pretend they don’t.

 

The general public doesn’t see that though. they don’t ever see how high I wear elastic-ey pants so that my excess skin doesn’t flop over the top of them and make me feel uncomfortable. or how I never wear shorts because my legs are covered in stretch marks, or how saggy and empty my boobs are or even how stretch marked they are. they don’t know that I will never get to wear a low cut shirt, or a bikini, or shorts.

 

So I guess what I’m saying is, before you say “oh you look fine” think a moment. Maybe fine isn’t good enough. Sometimes fine, is just short for a slightly less ugly duckling.