I don’t want to do this.

Sometimes I think I don’t want to do this.

Someone brought up to me that I may have Borderline personality disorder.. This was such an accurate description for how I felt, it’s scary to me. The truth is that about 2 months ago I asked my husband for help, I said that I was scared of my emotions and needed to see someone… but he said that we didn’t have the money. At the time I thought I was just depressed, But almost all of the symptoms of BPD are ones I have…

I know that I’ve done wrong, but I never did it to hurt anyone, and I seriously need help. I know this, and I want it…What if we throw away our marriage over something that’s fixable? It would take therapy for me, as well as probably couples therapy, to work through the damage that’s been done. Is it not worth it? they state that there’s an 86% remission rate ten years after treatment. that means that after getting help damned near everyone is okay. This is something that’s fixable.

Remember when you used to get anxious places and you needed me? and I would always hold you. even when sometimes I didn’t want to? I was always there for you when you needed it.  Are you really going to give up on me when I need you?

We looked into each others eyes and promised that we would be together,until death did us part. are we going to throw that away at the first sign of trouble? I am scared. I wanted your help, I needed you, and you let me down and now I am really scared. I want to be happy… but more than that, I want to be happy with my husband.

I’m not blaming you for walking away, and if we weren’t married, I would probably let you, but you promised me in sickness and in health. I am sick. maybe it’s just emotionally, but it is still a sickness. I asked for your help. so no, I am not blaming you for giving up. I am blaming you for not helping me when I needed it and not sticking by me when I needed you. I am disappointed in you.

you failed me.


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