So I just checked my site stats and realized people are still reading this. That means that every time I don’t post, like 7 people are just a little bit disappointed in me. In other news I ALWAYS spell disappointed wrong the first time I try it. For some reason I think there’s two ss’ in the beginning. Then I usually sit there for like 3 minutes trying to figure out why there’s a squiggly red line of doom underneath it.
So things that are going on in my life. The situation with my husband has dissolved to the point where we haven’t spoken in 4 days, and I’m making arrangements to go home. So there’s that. I thought I would be a lot sadder, but I think it’s been time to throw in the towel a long time ago, and I just refused to accept it because well….we ARE married, and I vowed to spend the rest of my life with this man, till death do us part. I accept now that separation is not a bad thing. Divorce is still something I don’t want to accept,but this.. this I can do for now.
I also have no clue if he knows I’m going home, as he’s made no attempt to contact me, nor I him. I assume he has some kind of idea though.
I took off my ring today. This is scary to me. Honestly I wish we could have gone to counseling. I don’t know if that would have saved us, or just cost us a lot of money to get to the exact same conclusion, but I wish we had tried. My husband didn’t want to pay for it. My husband didn’t want to try to save our marriage because it might cost us money. At the end of the day, I guess money is more important than love.
Its frustrating because So many times I wanted to give up. I wanted to leave so badly that I would cry and cry until I felt empty and miserable. I hated that I was away from my family, and everything I’ve ever known. I hated that I had nobody here. I hated that I had reason to distrust my husband, and I hated that I resented him. And yes there were more than a few days where I just flat out hated my husband. I wanted to give up more than anything some days, but I didn’t. I probably should have a long long time ago, but I didn’t.
I never stopped thinking that one day it would be better. One day we would be able to afford to talk to someone and work out our issues.
On the whole though, I’m not sad, or mad or anything… I’m just disappointed that we couldn’t figure it out, and that we stopped trying. I hope that feeling of disappointment goes away one day.