The history of my marriage.

I am going to tell you all about the history of my marriage, as I know it.

We met in 2008, In a game of grand theft auto IV… We had originally both posted on the same forum, but we had never spoken before. When said forum organised a game of GTA IV we started talking, and haven’t stopped since. We talked everyday for about 7 months before he came here… On Halloween 2008, I told him I loved him, and the next month he was there. We spent the next 8 months together extremely happily, but in early july 2009 he had to go home… It was only going to be for a few weeks, he had to change his drivers license over as he had turned 21. It didn’t end up being only a few weeks.

On his 21st birthday, He went out with his family. I told him specifically “This is the first time you’ve gone out without me, and I’m a little nervous about your interactions with women. could you do me a favour and not do ANYTHING that might make me need to worry tonight.”  He agreed to this, and away he went.

A few hours later he texted me saying he was going to a strip club. I woke up to see pictures of the man I intended to marry with two strippers on his lap, with the comment “And this is all they allowed us to photograph”  As I had clearly  said before he left, “hey, try to keep your cock in your pants” I flipped. completely. He said (and I quote) “I don’t consider strippers to be women” Yeah, didn’t apologise, didn’t give a shit that he hurt my feelings. He still to this day thinks that it was okay.

So anyway I was working on getting past that, and he was working on coming home…except when he got to the border they denied his entry. We had no clue how visitation worked at the time, but it’s quite clear you can’t just live in Canada for 8 months, leave for 2 weeks and then hop back over like it’s nothing.

So he was sent scurrying back home, and I saved up the funds to go and see him… Late august 2009, I was In Ohio. Everything was relatively fine, we were on a little tense ground, but we would have been just fine… Until my computer broke, and I asked to use his.

I tend to like to check craigslist everywhere I visit. Its a habit, I tend to check it every day. This time When I did, I was greeted with an unpleasant surprise. The only sections that were clicked were “casual encounters”  “Misc romance” and “men seeking women”.

I flipped my fucking shit. While I was at home selling my ps3 and anything of value, to go see this man, he was looking for pussy on craigslist? what the fucking fuck!?! He said that he thought we were going to break up after the strip club thing, and he was “just looking” Who the fuck “just looks” on craigslist!? Thats the equivalent of driving by  a neighbourhood with “streetwalkers” slowing down checking them out and then being like “nah, I’m just going to go back home to my wife after all” even IF you didn’t do anything (WHICH I HIGHLY DOUBT) that’s seriously fucking suspicious behaviour.

So anyway by that point we were SERIOUSLY on the rocks. I were scraping by on the hope that we would be able to get married soon, and thus be together and hopefully not have any more of these “mishaps” He had asked me to marry him while I was there, and while I was still insanely pissed off, I agreed because well. I loved him.

I couldn’t stay there long though and soon I had to go home for the long stretch. October 1st 2009 I was on my way home. The next few months were… tense… and that’s being nice about it. we were at each others throats pretty much entirely… Being apart had never been our strong suit, and being apart with all our newfound trust issues was way worse.

While I was home, I worked out. pretty much all the time. I became obsessed with my looks and my figure, and pretty much anything I could change. I Honestly thought If I was more attractive, my husband would only want me, and not all the other women he clearly lusted after. So I worked had as shit, and lost almost 80 lbs in the months we were apart. surprisingly enough, this made it harder on us. I was constantly complaining that I was fat and disgusting and gross, and he was constantly getting mad at me because he said he didn’t feel the same. (but why cheat then?)

We were supposed to get married in june of 2010. We Didn’t. In may, I confronted him about some girls that he was being a little flirty with on facebook, (one in particular though) and he said ” I am not going to upset my friends just because YOU have a problem with them” And to be honest I understand his point, but when it’s to the point where him and them are flirting on EVERY SINGLE UPDATE he makes, while his FIANCE is 650 miles away, it’s a LITTLE inappropriate. I asked him to tell them to tone it down, and  he acted like I asked him to delete his whole life forever and ever amen. He swore up and down not to have feelings for her. (he later went on to ask her out.)

For me, that was the last straw. I was done being second rate to some other women. frustrated and sad, I broke up with him. I worked on getting my life together, I looked for a job, and started working  in Landscaping. I got a roommate, I got closer to my family.

In july he came to see me.. we had been speaking, but we weren’t really on good terms. He wanted to start over, and  I liked the way things were. I had a job, I was living pretty comfortably, and I was beginning to be a little happier. I stopped going online as much and was getting out more. He was depressed, clearly falling apart, and maybe a little crazy.

I think he was fully expecting me to go back home with him, and when I didn’t he fell apart. He only spent a little while in Canada, but The next few months he insulted me almost daily. It was awful. He called me flabby, Disgusting,ugly, flat chested, he said I looked like a little boy with saggy tits, that I was a slut a whore a cunt, a bitch, that I lied to him etc etc. This continued for months. Meanwhile, one of the guys at work developed a little crush on me. He was nice (If not way too young) and he WASN’T hurling insults my way daily, so it was a no brainer, when he asked me out, I said yes.

We dated for a few months, but at the end of the day, I couldn’t continue it. I was WAY too involved in the drama with my then ex, and I had to break it off. (Some days he would send me upwards of 50 messages ranging from “I hope you get raped, so you can never feel intimate with somebody again” (the worst) to “I love you, please take me back”. It was awful.

after I broke up with the dude at work (Although we only “dated” for a month, and I didn’t see it as anywhere near as serious as he did) I started hanging out more with my sister and her friends. it’s hard to take to heart the 50-leven texts a day telling you  you are disgusting, and that you should go die somewhere when you’re out having…about as close as you’re going to come to fun, given the circumstances. (not that I didn’t still take them to heart. I did.)

I even started hanging out with her friends. They were nice, although drunkards. I went out a few times with her boyfriends best friend, but he was too much of an alcoholic, and it fizzled out soon after.

In october, My mother passed away. We weren’t close, but it still really affected me. Suddenly my sister and I were on our own. I mean I was living on my own, and stuff, but.. I mean we had no…mom anymore… She had her boyfriend (soon after, fiance) and I had… well.

So I started talking to my ex more. We still had bad days, but it was at least someone who was there for me. I quit my job, as I had a few months rent saved up, because I couldn’t bare to go back, and I just drifted.

A month later, my ex came to visit me,  for a long weekend, and begged me to go back with him, if only just for a month to get my mind off of things. I felt like I had nobody in the world at that point, and I was just drifting aimlessly, so why the fuck not. I packed up some of my shit, left a months rent for my roomate, and fucked off, without telling anyone.

for awhile it was pretty good… Two weeks into my visit, We got married. Obviously starting a marriage on such a rocky background was NOT a good idea, but at the time I had nothing going for me, and was acting reckless, and maybe even subconsciously wanted to make a few bad decisions and live a little.

I found out I’m a pretty violent drunk. a few times, I was drunk and I flipped out over everything that my husband had done that I had just let stew, and I punched him. a lot. way more than once. It was fucked up and completely wrong and I’m not proud of it, but at the time I was SO mad, and I felt like he deserved it for breaking my heart and leaving me broken and twisty and mad inside.

One such time was last weekend, when I tweeted that I thought I should leave. In this instance I was tired and had done stuff all day, I just got home, and Checked my E-mail to see a message  from my daughter telling me she missed me, and loved me. I was sad, and also a little mad, and then my husband told our friends we were coming over. I didn’t WANT to go over, but he had already told them yes, so I just sighed and got into the car. I was pretty bitchy and the alcohol didn’t help anything.

On the way home I snapped. For some reason while we were going 65 on the freeway I decided I wanted the FUCK out of the car. I tried to lunge for the door, and My husband grabbed me by the throat. I lost my shit. All I knew is that suddenly he was choking me, and no matter what the fuck happened I needed to get free asap. I started flailing and punching and kicking and screaming, and biting… basically anything that would make him let the fuck go of me as soon as possible, because I couldn’t breath. Of course all my flailing made him squeeze me harder which only made me freak out the more. It was at the point were I just opened the door to the car and screamed with all my might, Just hoping we would get pulled over before I passed out or died.

He eventually dropped me off at his mothers house, where sobbing uncontrollably I eventually fell asleep. I want to make it clear that While I was entirely drunk, and he says otherwise, I’m almost 100% certain I didn’t hit him until he grabbed me by the throat. Even he said he held me longer and harder than he needed to.

We spent three days apart. I don’t know honestly whether we can be together, although as of writing this we’re trying. We need counselling, at the very least, and neither of us should drink anymore.

I don’t really know why  wrote all that out…Mostly just to get it out I think, but also because It all has a lot to do with how I react now, and it’s probably not a good thing.



One response to “The history of my marriage.

  • Renée

    I just read all of this .. I don’t know really if I should say anything or if you want a response to this .. or if you even want anyone’s opinion .. but I think it’s probably good for you to have written this and since you have written it out and I have read it all I can say is :

    Anyway, that might not make you feel any better. I just hope you do what is right for you .. We all make mistakes, but we don’t have to live in our mistakes as punishment for making bad decisions .. we must be like phoenixes and rise from the ashes .. It is hard to be alone in the world, but it is better than being abused by the people around you who are saying they love you, they are just vampires. I’ll leave it there for now.

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