expectations.

A year ago, I decided that I was absolutely THROUGH with being overweight. I was done. I was 21, and had been overweight since the birth of my daughter, when I was 15, and I thought “this is the time. You will never be 21 again. you will never be younger! you have a chance to be beautiful for once in your life” so I worked hard as hell, every single day, and I lost a total of over 70LBS. I watched my calories, I biked or walked instead of taking the bus, I got a job working manual labour so that I wouldn’t have to worry about what I ate so much and would lose weight easily.  even working 10 hour days doing manual labour, I STILL came home and went for walks/bike rides.

 

For some reason I thought, If I could just lose the weight, I would be beautiful, and then the man I loved wouldn’t want or need anyone else. I constantly compared myself to other women. Every single girl I ever saw, I wondered if she was prettier than me? skinnier? It was like I was going through the high school mentality YEARS after I should have been, but I guess I never got the chance before… I was too busy trying to be a mother, that I didn’t give a shit what I looked like, and when I realised how bad I had gotten, it was too late.

 

I sometimes get criticised (both online/in real life) for how I feel about myself, because it’s something I’m really open about. I  really do find myself to be disgusting. not so long ago when I was working to lose the weight, I never really pictured what I would look like when I was skinny…. for some reason I had this notion that if i was just smaller I would become this beautiful blossoming flower or something, and suddenly i would be transformed  into this supermodel looking woman, and everyone would want me, and it would show my boyfriend that he missed out on perfection, if he only would have wanted ME more. like some ugly duckling turning into a swan ordeal. “haha you didn’t like me then but now I’m fucking gorgeous” I would think to myself, when I was drop dead gorgeous.. of course that never happened.

You know when you see pictures of people that had like gastric bypass surgery and they have loose skin and stretch marks and saggy bits, and they just look gross? I’ll bet you any money, they look GREAT with clothing on. You don’t really see the damage being overweight does to your body until you lose the weight… (probably because you can’t see your body. har har har)

So no I am probably not considered fat any more, but what does it matter if I’m not comfortable in my own skin. I’m still disgusting and saggy and gross, I’m just not fat too.

Honestly, If I could afford plastic surgery, I would have done it ages ago. There’s a 99.99 percent chance I will in the future, because what’s the point of living your life in a body you are disgusted by? To some I probably look normal, but I would rather die than see myself naked. I would rather die, than let my husband see me naked. Do you know how many times I have cried during intercourse because I couldn’t stand to be looked at? I couldn’t stand being judged at my most vulnerable? People tell you they don’t judge you, but if they ever get pissed off enough they will tell you how they really feel. They say things that you KNOW they think, but they pretend they don’t.

 

The general public doesn’t see that though. they don’t ever see how high I wear elastic-ey pants so that my excess skin doesn’t flop over the top of them and make me feel uncomfortable. or how I never wear shorts because my legs are covered in stretch marks, or how saggy and empty my boobs are or even how stretch marked they are. they don’t know that I will never get to wear a low cut shirt, or a bikini, or shorts.

 

So I guess what I’m saying is, before you say “oh you look fine” think a moment. Maybe fine isn’t good enough. Sometimes fine, is just short for a slightly less ugly duckling.

 

 


5 responses to “expectations.

  • Count Vardulon

    Over the last year I lost 80 pounds – my biggest surprise was, at the end of it, that I didn’t feel any less fat. Intellectually I’m aware that I’m down eight pants sizes, but it emotionally hasn’t sunk in yet. Perhaps I should have taken pictures of myself at my heaviest, so that I’d have some visual evidence of the change.

    I doubt it would have helped, though.

    • Ashley

      I know exactly how you feel. I say I’m fat, and I KNOW it frustrates my husband like hell, but I still FEEL fat. Obviously logically I know I’m not overweight, but it doesn’t really make the feeling go away.

  • Renée

    Wow .. I am really happy to read your honesty and thoughts about yourself Ashley. I know that you don’t see yourself as beautiful .. I know I have commented about this many times in your life .. The truth is that I don’t think that even if you do get plastic surgery that it will help the way you feel because the way you feel is not as a result of physical wealth or well being .. it is in your mind .. you are unsatisfied with yourself in your heart or in your emotions it is a question of perspective. You must seek outside yourself to find your true beauty but you must first know what you want . What you truly want .. not as a superficial band-aid, but as a cure for your pain. That is not obvious .. that is not given .. but with time and energy and determination (which you have because I know you have done it time and time again .. even loosing weight ) loosing weight was the start of a new way of thinking for you .. and I think if anything it can show you that you have full control over your self and that you can achieve anything you feel you want to. I love you and believe in you. I always have and always will!

  • Renée

    You should watch this movie called “america the beautiful” .. it’s really good and it might help you feel beautiful even!

  • BelZoradon

    I know you don’t believe me, and never have and likely never will but I think your beautiful. For every example of beauty we have ever discussed, I can show you an example of good photoshopping and an empty person. You have a soul behind your eyes and that alone makes you more beautiful then 90% of humanity, and the other 10% just fake it better than you.

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