Why I hate breed specific legislation (And you should too)

It’s really hard to formulate my thoughts on this, because it’s all very fresh and new, and very very painful. I hope it does not come out ramble-y because it’s all jumbled in my head, but I fee like I have to write about it.

This is jack and I

For those of you who are familiar with my blog, you know who Jack is. Jack is beyond a shadow of a doubt, my heart dog, There is no way I could have made it through the past few months without him in my life, and because of breed specific legislation I will never see him again.

I was born In Ottawa Ontario, a place where breed specific legislation has been in place, and inforced since 2005. Ontario’s breed specific legislation laws differ from other places in that if you are caught with a restricted animal, instead of being asked to leave the province/state and being issued a fine, your dog can be apprehended and murdered on site. Yes. murdered.

When my mariage ended, I was left with the hard choice of either leaving my dog with my husband, his sister, or essentially being homeless and being with my dog in Quebec, a province where I don’t even speak the official language. It sounds crazy, but it was still the hardest decision of my life. Jack is my best friend, and was my emotional rock for so long, I could not imagine life without him. I was more than willing to be homeless for him if that’s what it took but I didn’t have to.

 My husband let me know that he was willing to take care of him until I found a place. I was glad because I knew if his sister took him in, she would never want to give him back. It was a risk with my husband too, because lets be honest, Jack is the best dog ever but him being alive and safe was the most important thing, So with the heaviest heart I’ve ever hadto bear, I left my dog with my husband and went home to start a new life.

All throughout the first while at home, I made it my goal to find a job, find a place in quebec, and get my dog back, My mantra for the longest time was DD, Dog & Divorce to signify what I was working towards. For months, anything dog related would make me burst into tears. pit bull magazines, other peoples dogs, pet stores, the word dog. I was more borken up about leaving my dog, than I was about the end of my marriage, because my dog actually loved me. unconditionally, no matter what, he loved me and I abandoned him. I was a mess.

My ONLY emotional saving grace was that I was going to find a place in quebec, and I was going to get him back.

Meanwhile 659 miles away, My husband was having problems with his landlord, and his neighbor, and decided to let jack stay with his sister so that he wouldn’t have to fear eviction. (I don’t know if you recall that jack was a stray that we took in, We lived in a “no pets allowed” apartment but since he was a pit bull we couldn’t bring him to the animal shelter, and we never found his owners)

I didn’t find out till awhile later. Everything gets hazy from here, but I constantly let his sister know that I was working towards getting him back. Constantly. like every day. Turns out, She didn’t give a shit.

A few weeks ago, I logged on to facebook to see pictures of my dog looking very sick/half dead.  I was absolutely stunned. Nobody had told me he was sick, and from the way they were talking, he had been so for weeks.

Just as worrying was how my sister in law was saying she had adopted him. Wait what?! I KNEW I just read that wrong. Usually when you adopt a dog…. you..you know, get permission from their owner and stuff right? Right?! Apparently not.

I sent her a message saying that I would pay for any and all care, as after all, he was my dog. I was met back with silence. All the while she was talling people that he was her dog. I was absolutely floored. Not only was I freaking out that he was sick, and nobody seemed to know why, I was freaking out over what she was saying, and I was getting no answers.

Turns out, that Even though we took him to be vaccinated, the vet either screwed up or neglected to give him what we had asked for. They found out he had parvo. He is now out of the woods, He is safe and happy, and he will be fine, But since we had never gotten him registered,  (again, the stray thing, although I had begged my husband to do it, MULTIPLE times) His sister went ahead and registered Jack in her name. 

My heart dog was stolen from me because of a shitty set of circumstances… Oh and breed specific legislation. He may not be murdered Like so many other pit bulls around the world, many of which were amazing animals that didn’t deserve it, But I will never see him again, and that is just as bad.

Can we abolish BSL already so that nobody ever has to give up an animal they love?


30 before 30

So a couple months ago I made a list of 30 things I want to do before I turn 30, on my tumblr, but I completely forgot about it, and it got lost in the shuffle of posts, so I figured I would cross-post it here so that I don’t lose it again! Especially since most of the world doesn’t even know I HAVE a tumblr lol. Some of these are stupid some of them are not, but all of them are things I want to do before I hit the age of 30. (I have crossed out things I’ve done so far since writing this)

30 Things I want to do before I turn 30:

1. Wear a dress every day for at least six months.

2. Learn to ride a motorcycle

3. get that octopus tattoo I’ve wanted forever.

4.Take a strip fitness class.

5. learn to love myself.

6. Get a great pair of flat leather riding boots

7. Learn another language.

8. take some form of martial arts classes or other form of fighting for fitness.

9. Bartend even if just for a night.

10.Read more “classics”

11. Move back home

12. Have/find a good group of friends.

13. Write a stranger a love letter, and leave it somewhere public. More than once.

14. Take more pictures.

15. Go Camping

16. buy a yurt

17. Be more confident.

18. Get a job.

19. Dance more.

20. Stop being so negative.

21. Talk to strangers.

22. Go back to school.

23. Stop being so afraid to live.

24. Kiss someone in the pouring rain.

25. Quit being afraid to overdress.

26. Get an expensive haircut/color at a salon.

27. Get a tummy tuck/boob job.

28. Wear a bikini in public and not feel shame.

29.reconnect with family

30. successfully grow something from a seed.

These are some things I would like to do before I turn 30. I am now 23. Wish me luck!


Some new things going on in my life

Sooo first off, I got a job Go me!! yay!! whoo! I started today. In other news as soon as I got off the bus from my first day, and walked over to the bike racks I noticed, to my dismay, my bike was stolen! Boo!

I’ve already posted on twitter, but you never know maybe there’s some people from Ottawa that read this blog, and not my twitter, so heregoes.

If anyone in the Ottawa area sees ^ that thurr bike, and it’s not being driven by a white haired chick, Apprehend that rider! It was stolen from the eagleson park and ride in Kanata today, at some point between 10 and 3ish

 

I called oc transpo (the bus company) and they totally said they’d look into it and it totally seemed like they might. I don’t even care if the person gets in shit as long as I get my bike back.

 

:(


So I guess I should make a post right!?

I’ll have you all know yesterday I was supposed to get a job and I did not. And by supposed to, I mean was just really hoping to. So to make myself feel better I went shopping and bought a bunch of things, and now everything is all good! I spent all my birthday money (and then some?) but it’s okay because when you’re sad you’re allowed to not care about money for a day or so.

Apart from that I’m not doing anything magnificent. I started playing metro 2033,  although I’m nowhere near anywhere near into it yet. (Pretty sure I’m JUST past chapter one) so that should be good…or something. I can’t lie I just got it because I have a strange fascination with gas masks. Don’t ask about that one LOL.

 

I got darksiders, crackdown 2, and the saboteur this week, so those have been added to my backlog. Maybe I’ll go make a gigantic list of all the games I need to finish/start and have you guys vote on the games I should finish next. Actually that’s exactly what I am going to do. (I would tell you to hold on a second while i made the list if you weren’t reading this, and not like actually speaking to me. also I have no clue who I’m talking to there. lol but hi!)

 

First I’ll start with games I’ve played some or most of but haven’t finished for whatever reason.

  1. army of two
  2. gears of was
  3. ghost recon
  4. halo reach
  5. L.A noire
  6. halo wars
  7. the orange box
  8. gta IV
  9. ninja gaiden
  10. splinter cell D.A
  11. assassins creed
  12. and I’m now playing metro 2033

Now onto the games I haven’t played at all yet

  1. Black ops (campaign obvs I’ve played online)
  2. alone in the dark
  3. crackdown 2
  4. darksiders
  5. stranglehold

 

 

Uh so I have a 17 game backlog? I better get crackalackin! Lemme know what game I should play after I finish metro 2033 in the comments! or not! That’s cool too! BAI!


Birthday Birthday!

Yesterday was my birthday!! YAY! I went out with my uncle for lunch, and then afterwards I went out with my dad, his girlfriend, and my aunt. I think we’re also doing something this weekend, but I’m not sure.

After dinner I went out to a bar with my friend, and we had a few drinks, and a pretty fun time was had by all. His birthday was the 20th so it was fun to celebrate them both. I was all “Bah my husband is an jerk! bahrgh!” so thanks to him for putting up with my drunken ramblings.

 

My dads girlfriends got me some clothes too, she has really cute style, so I was happy about that! I got a cute romper, a cover-up A shirt and a skirt, and then my dad got me a nacklace, so that was awesome!

 

I think there’s a good chance I might get my nipples pierced today. I don’t know why i’m saying this. probably so I don’t chicken out. LOL. (I probably will chicken out. maybe. possibly.)

 

Kay I love you bai bai!


AMAZING weekends ftw!

Goddamn I needed to be in Canada I had no clue how much my spirit was dying in the states until I got home. I had an amazing weekend.

I ate at robin des bois ( http://robindesbois.ca/fr ) Which is a restaurant in montreal run almost entirely by volunteers, and all proceeds go to charity, It was pretty amazing.

I tried some duck confit salad, which was nothing short of amazing. Also a proscuitto cheeseburger that was to die for.

Then I went out for drinks with my cousin and her friends. we came back, had a cleansing ritual in the woods,  and had like a 2 hour chat about everything in her kitchen while eating amazingly fresh pita  and homemade hummus.

It was pretty much an amazing weekend with awesome food/people/atmosphere, it was great.

My cousin gave me a beautiful card and bowl for my birthday from some of her handmade pottery, and they’re awesome. I’m so happy. :)

Then as soon as I got home (Like five minutes later lol), I went to constance bay ontario, which is my hometown, so I spent time on the beach, making a huge sand fortress, and basically enjoying the summertime. it was an awesome end, to an awesome weekend.


I’m home!

I have been home for a week now, and since I have gotten her I have gone to bluesfest, and a horse ranch, died my hair and had it cut, gotten a doctors appointment,made my resume, applied to numerous jobs, and basically been frigging awesome and on the ball. I know now, I am frigging determined to have a good, life, and it doesn’t matter that it doesn’t/wont involve my future-ex-husband. I am going to work on getting an apartment in hull, once I have a job somewhere, and I am going to get my doggy back, and everything is going to be fine.

 

I’m thinking of taking a bartending course in september… it’s 15 weeks, but it’s pretty intensive, going over flair bartending, bar law, mixology, maximizig profits, etc and there’s even a 40 hour job placement…. which is pretty awesome. It’s like 1200$ but I think my dad would pay for it if I told him I would pay him back. shiet he’d probably pay for it even if I didn’t. Although thats just an assumption. I would have to go to the school and see if I could get in as a mature student, but I don’t foresee that being a problem for a bartending course.

 

This weekend I’m going to montreal, so that should be awesome. I shall take pictures! It’s the weekend before my birthday too, So I’m going to try to convince my cousin that she has to take me out somewhere in montreal. If she’s reading this, she is forewarned lol!

That’s pretty much all that’s going on in my life right now. I’m surprisingly happy to be home.. I thought I would be a lot more upset, but it’s good here. I don’t feel the stress I felt in the states at all. I got a little sad and upset yesterday, but apart from that, I’m gravy baby!


Little displays of love.

I left my husband little notes, I wonder if he’ll find them cute or creepy, or just sad. It doesn’t matter, I felt like I had to do it. so I did. If he has a problem with them, then he can just throw them out. Once he finds them all :scheme:.

 

I can’t really explain why I did it… I guess as a way to say sorry for how things went… I don’t know why I posted this. mostly because I want to start posting more I guess…


love

So you meet someone right, and it could go just like meeting the any number of people you do throughout your life….But somehow it this time it doesn’t.

So you fall in love, and you give everything for that person, and you’re willing to give even more. you’re willing to give all that you have and then some. And then you get hurt. After you get hurt , you either keep trying. keep wanting to be in love, or you give up.

 

No matter what you do, nothing is ever the same.


Why I think I may have BPD

A few days ago I wrote a post talking about how I thought I might have borderline personality disorder. From what I’ve read online BPD is pretty similar to PTSD in how it’s caused (although BPD can be genetic, if it is what I have, I feel like it is trauma related.) and how it causes people to act, but with different symptoms. It’s been referred to on more than one site as a “complex PTSD” now I’m not sure if that’s accurate, but it seems about right in my case anyways. I am going to list the symptoms, and how they relate to what I feel, but before that, I want to say this:

” I have done a lot of research over the past couple of days, not just on the disease, but on the loved ones of people with the disease, and I don’t think I will ever be able to fully understand the pain I put my husband through. Unintentionally of course, but it was pain all the same. so dear husband, I am sorry. I don’t think you will ever understand how badly what I’ve done to you. It  hurts me to know that I have hurt you. I am so incredibly sorry. I love you so much, and I don’t blame you for leaving. I am so sad that that’s what it came to, but I don’t blame you.”

 

Okay, now on to the symptoms.

  • Make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

ookay, this one is a doozy. I once kept a baby (as opposed to having an abortion) because I thought her father wouldn’t leave me if I did. As a child I would do anything I could to prevent my cousin from going to sleep when I stayed at her house because I thought if she slept she didn’t love me anymore. I also once lost 80 lbs in less than a year so that My boyfriend at the time would love me and never leave. (even though he said I was fine)

  • Have a pattern of difficult relationships caused by alternating between extremes of intense admiration and hatred of others.

I idolized my now husband when we first met. I thought he was the next best thing to god himself. As soon as he made one mistake I hated him. nuff said.

  • Have an unstable self-image or be unsure of his or her own identity.

I cannot describe myself. other than female. I intensely dislike myself, I don’t really know how to explain this one. I have no identity. I am nothing. I have days where I think I am horrible unlovable, awful and disgusting, that I have no self worth and am undeserving of love, and days when I think I am good.

  • Act impulsively in ways that are self-damaging, such as extravagant spending, frequent and unprotected sex with many partners, substance abuse, binge eating, or reckless driving.

I don’t have a credit card because I am afraid I would not be able to control my spending. While not in a committed relationship I have been known to engage in reckless sex. Binge eating used to be bad. I also got married to an ex that I hadn’t been with after 2 weeks of dating, so that was pretty self damaging and impulsive.

  • Have recurring suicidal thoughts, make repeated suicide attempts, or cause self-injury through mutilation, such as cutting or burning himself or herself.

I have cut myself, I have bitten myself. I have almost constant suicidal thoughts that I try my hardest not to vocalize.

  • Have frequent emotional overreactions or intense mood swings, including feeling depressed, irritable, or anxious. These mood swings usually only last a few hours at a time. In rare cases, they may last a day or two.

ahaha yes. I could list about a million examples here, but I wont. My husband  (and from what I’ve read online the partners of every person with BPD, As well as the author of the book by the same name) has described life with me as walking on eggshells.. so there’s that.

  • Have long-term feelings of emptiness.

I don’t know what to say here. At first I thought my symptoms were a sign of depression but I’ve experienced apathy and emptyness for awhile. it’s hard to explain with all the insanely hyperactive emotions, but I’ve put it like this “even when I am happy…. I am still a little sad”

  • Have inappropriate, fierce anger or problems controlling anger. The person may often display temper tantrums or get into physical fights.

Lets just say it gets worse when I am tired, stressed, if I don’t exercise, and If I drink. Fear about my anger was one the signs for myself, that I needed help. I am scared by how out of control of my emotions I feel.

  • Have temporary episodes of feeling suspicious of others without reason (paranoia) or losing a sense of reality.

Oh the paranoia and dissociation. Honestly the dissociation was one of the scariest symptoms and the longest lasting for me. I guess the anger too, but this one is the scariest. for awhile I thought I had altziemers or something, because I couldn’t understand it. Sometimes it feels like I am in a haze or a dream, and sometimes I forget events altogether.

I think the paranoia is one of the things that bothered my husband the most… other than the anger of course. I don’t know how to explain quite how hard that is to deal with. Mostly that he was going to leave/cheat/find someone else(or that he already had) or that he didn’t love me, or even hated me. It wasn’t isolated to just him obviously. I thought/think people in the street/public think horrible things about me. friends. my mother in law. family. Basically everyone I have ever met. There’s always a mistrust of anyone. that they’re going to hurt me.

So basically in some form or another I have all 9  of the 9 symptoms of BPD (5/9 are what’s needed to diagnose it as borderline personality disorder)

From what it seems, I am going to have a long road of therapy and work before me, but there is hope. From what I have read, The vast majority of sufferers never admit that they might have a personality disorder. so they spend their whole lives ruining the lives of themselves and others. Those who seek help have a high success rate, and usually go on to lead healthy productive lives.

I think wikipedia puts it best when describing how the emotions come about… it’s not about malice or inflicting pain on anyone else… at least not intentionally…. it’s about fear and hurt and self preservation, as well as the lack of proper skills for coping and communication.

“Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone.

Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative. Impulsive behaviors are common, including alcohol or drug abuse, unsafe sex, gambling and recklessness in general. Attachment studies suggest individuals with BPD, while being high in intimacy- or novelty-seeking, can be hyper-alert to signs of rejection or not being valued and tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied patterns in relationships.

They tend to view the world generally as dangerous and malevolent, and tend to view themselves as powerless, vulnerable, unacceptable and unsure in self-identity. Individuals with BPD are often described, including by some mental health professionals (and in the DSM-IV),as deliberately manipulative or difficult, but analysis and findings generally trace behaviors to inner pain and turmoil, powerlessness and defensive reactions, or limited coping and communication skills”

so yeah. lot of work.

 


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